So I’m waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I’ll be alone but maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly
I was afraid to be alone
Now I’m scared thats how I’d like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities
So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I’m taken by these bolts of pain
But I turn them off and tuck them away
’till these rainy days that make them stay
And then I’ll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday
And I dont think they’ll ever go away
Just like thinking of your childhood home
But we cant go back we’re on our own
Oh,
But I’m about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I’ll find it in myself
So were speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you’re not here
And I think I’ll want to be alone
So please understand if I dont answer the phone
I’ll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Until I can see nothing at all
Only particles some fast some slow
All my eyes can see is all I know
Ohh..
But I’m about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I’ll find it in myself
It’s been really great to be home…atleast to see my mom. Things are still the same with my father but that doesn’t surprise me — he has to want to change and he doesn’t. I am not ready at all to go back to school. I’ve enjoyed having down time…which will change when I go back. Meh! Make a Difference Day is in about two weeks. It’s crunch time now 
Also…KENYA! <3
I am going to Kenya on December 27…it’s official Yay!! Nyumbani Village here I come!
Sometimes people say really awesome things.
For example, from breakfast this morning:
“Philosophy is my least favorite class…and I have a 32 in Algebra.”
and from Philosophy class, the wise words of Chuck:
“You can’t eat ideals.” on the topic of choosing ideals over food, like Gandhi.
What I really want is not money or success or to change the world. Deep inside, I want to make a difference…but I don’t need to move mountains. Just to know one person has lived or breathed easier because of my actions. I don’t want to be wealthy and I don’t need to even be financially secure. I need to be happy. I need to be with someone who loves me like I love them. Someone who gets me. I want to have a family someday. I want to do something I am passionate about, not just something I could live with doing for the rest of my life. I don’t want to just exist, I want to actively live and to seize every opportunity and let every moment be the best it can be. Life is short and it escapes us all too fast. I don’t want it to pass me by for the idle possessions of the world. I don’t crave a nice new car — I would rather legs that worked so I could walk. I don’t crave money because it can never buy me what really matters. I crave passion, I crave connection. I crave that feeling you get when something truly makes you feel alive.
I am going through a rough time in my life and in preparation for leading our first retreat of the year, I was given this exerpt from the writing of Pedro Arrupe, SJ. Enjoy.
Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, falling in love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination,
will affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you will spend your weekends,
what you read,
who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love,
stay in love,
and it will decide everything.
– Pedro Arrupe, SJ
It’s true that sometimes the hardest decisions of your life are the right ones…and it might hurt like hell for a while, but you have to be confident that it’ll be better in the end. For everyone involved.
I am going to go through a lot of eyeliner this week.
So this year is my first year as an RA. As much as it is a rewarding experience, it also means late-night wake-ups, people you don’t even know hating you for your job title, sleepless nights, worrying, and making unpopular decisions that are for the protection of everyone involved. Essentially, I am being well-prepared to some day become a high school teacher (except hopefully none of them will live across the hall from me and/or vomit in my bathroom…and oh yeah — piss on my whiteboard. Loveeeee it). On the topic of teaching, however, I have to think of my sarcasm. It’s my weapon of choice and every feel-good education class I take tells me that I should not be sarcastic in the classroom because it hurts others’ feelings. This will probably be a bigger problem to hurdle for me than even lesson plans, scheduling, teaching, etc. I am so sarcastic that sarcasm practically seeps from my pores. Seriously. As for sarcasm hurting feelings…I feel like there are bigger things to worry about…like I don’t know, teenage suicide, depression, etc. I don’t think my sarcasm is going to destroy someone’s academic career overnight. Sarcasm seems to be a pretty useful tool for me so far.
I can also officially say that being a Spanish major has become hard and I actually have to do homework now. It’s kind of bizarre and stressful since it takes me HOURS to do my reading for US Latino and Latin American Theatre. It’s ridiculous. I’ve been taking Spanish since 7th grade (we’ll call it 8 or 9 years to be safe) and I find that I know maybe 10% of the vocab in these plays. I kind of want to scream/tear out the pages/cry/drop out of college and become a professional icecream-maker. Since none of these things are helpful for me, I have invested in a beautiful new dictionary that I am in love with hardcore. Seriously. If I could love a reference text, I would love this book. I can’t wait to someday own the fancy $60 one from the bookstore. It’ll be Vocabulary Eutopia and it’ll be beautiful. Until then, I love you very much, Vox Dictionary.
The weekend is over and I am not ready for another week. Gahh. I have to go to work in a few…and perhaps should feed Lyle. He is angrily swimming about his bowl on the prowl.
Happy Birthdayyyy!
Yay! Going to Maine tomorrow with Ryan, his family and Renner. Woooooooo! I’ve never been to Maine so whee. It’d be more fun if I could move a lot easier but I’ll take what I can get.
Andddd I achieved 90 degrees for my R.O.M. on Wednesday at PT 
only two visits in. Wooooo!
